Updated: Feb 18
WARNING!!! I'm about to be painfully honest with y'all, and it's not pretty. This is insight into my life and mind. You may not come out unscathed. Try not to judge too harshly!
I just want to preface this that the night before this event took place, my husband and I had a semi-heated discussion about the condition of our house. I'm not a dirty person, but I can be messy. I don't like it, but I have a hard time concentrating on house projects and getting everything done that needs to be done. We have clutter of which I'm constantly working on to rid our house.
I was sitting at my kitchen table, laptop open, browsing all kinds of mom and homeschooling blogs looking for morning basket ideas for my 5-year-old. All of the blogs I was looking through had great ideas, were beautifully done and well put together. The photos of the bloggers were usually light and airy and were professional-looking headshots. Their hair was done, makeup on and were thin and/or dressed super cute. Either way, they all had me beat by a landslide. Many of them had been doing this for several years. They had partners and would regularly collab with others, while this was all new for me. They shared their tasty and healthy foods they were eating, their themed lunches or their creative rainy day activities. "I mean come ON!" I half shouted at my husband and half to no one in particular. "This lunch box is Valentine's Day themed. Heart shaped sandwiches, fruit and snacks!!! Who has time for that?!" I just kept staring at these beautiful, successful women who were killing it at this thing called life! I wondered, "Would I ever be enough?"
Picture this: It was comical really (it's much more so now than it was then). I was in my flannel jammies and slippers. My hair was up in a not cute, messy bun. I was eating a bowl of mac n cheese and tuna (for breakfast no less), and so not "killing it." My husband was washing the dishes and laughing at my drama. My kids were watching a television show, and I was attempting to work on my long desired blog. It was raining outside, and I was a big ball of PMS mess. There I sat, literally banging my head on my kitchen table, feeling irrevocably defeated.
How could I ever do it? Could I be a wife, mom, sister, friend, homemaker, homeschooler, blogger, writer, spiritual leader and entrepreneur? I hadn't felt so much like a failure in such a long time. I always thought I'd be great at this wife and mom thing... but in that moment, I felt like the furthest thing from successful. My husband made his way over to me and picked my head up off the table by my pony tail (no I'm not joking). He turned me toward him and put his hands on my shoulders. He looked at me straight in the eyes and, with a smirk said, "They probably have a nanny." I laughed, of course. He always makes me laugh.
Part of me wonders if there is something wrong with me. And then, part of me wonders if all these women are really this well put together. If they are, that's great! If they aren't, that's okay too. When I get to feeling down on myself, I try to remember some truths that help.
1. My boys are healthy and happy. They are learning about Jesus and His love for them. They respect authority (learning to at least). They love each other (most of the time). They eat their veggies and don't complain about too much. Even if I don't feel like I'm doing enough, my children know they are loved.
2. When I fail, whether with my kids or my husband, I can ask forgiveness. We mess up and we forgive in this family. We don't let the sun go down on our anger (even though we are tempted to some nights). We don't just ask each other for forgiveness, we ask God to forgive us as well.
3. The Power of a List. I really have a hard time getting my thoughts in order. But I have forgotten the power of a list! I made a list of all the chores that need to be done, and we are going to work on them as a family. Super excited about this!
4. The Lord is not done with me yet! He's always working on me, improving me and convicting me of my imperfections and showing me ways I can be better. I know that the way I am right now is not the "final answer." I WILL get better at things I'm willing to work on. And I know I can count on the Holy Spirit to walk me through life directing my steps. I am not overcome! I am an overcomer because of Christ and His incredible love for me.
If you're feeling discouraged about any of these things or something else specifically, find the truth in the lies. You are not ruined because you are a mess. Write down some positives that you know are true. Call someone who will encourage you. We are all at different places in our lives. Some may be further along than I am, while I may be further along than another. Don't give up! Have hope today!